I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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