yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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