I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
