I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
