my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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