she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
