She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
