There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.�
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
