a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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