My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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