I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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