I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
We left the knife in your bed.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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