When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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