I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
