Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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