dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
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