So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
