new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
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