do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
