Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
