I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
She's the barista slut.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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