Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Randomize
