wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Alive.
So much puke
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
