im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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