So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Randomize
