I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
