the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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