I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
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