Can i not drive my cunt home
how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
