I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
