my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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