Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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