I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Randomize
