i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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