i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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