my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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