Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
