I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up�
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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