There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
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