My sheets look like a crime scene.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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