just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
splinters make it hard to masturbate
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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