for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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