I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
