New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Randomize
