I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
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