She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
