I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
This show inspires me to have sex in space
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
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