Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
