Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
