I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
