why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
