i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
