I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
