i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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