It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
