I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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